Hard Hitting, Fast Paced, News YOU Can Count On, My Ass

Submitted by Robin Olson on Sun, 11/02/2008 - 00:41

I was watching TV. Thankfully, I have a TIVO so I can spin past those trite and untrue commercials. As I was zipping along, I could tell there was a promo for the local news running. In the few seconds it took to zoom past the ad, I could see nothing but the effervescent faces of those clean cut, smiley-happy, news "team" who are committed to bringing me late-breaking, action packed, hard hitting, but perkily delivered news-of-the-day.

These non-threatening, one-size-fits-all, folks you WOULD buy a used car from are always shown looking fearlessly into the camera, with that spotlight induced coma-smile. The ads always make the news seem thrilling and wonderful, even joyous! I'm so excited to watch the news, I must stop what I'm doing in my busy life at 6 and 11 pm, respectively and watch them sing out the events of the day.

What I don't get is that the news they deliver is usually fucking miserable. "Another suicide bomber in Iraq," "child molestation by a teacher," "when are you fat viewers EVER going to listen to us bitch at you about diet and exercise??!," or "hey, it's sunny and gorgeous somewhere else but man we are in for some life-threatening weather here!"

Then, when we're truly depressed, they throw out a 15 second story about a kitten who survived a 22 mile trip on the engine of a car and lived to tell about it. Or the world's biggest pumpkin?! Just enough so we don't suck the blow hole of a .45 caliber handgun.

I think they should stop delivering the news with Happy-Happy people. In fact, I think they should find manically depressed, or at least fucking miserable people to read the news. It would go something like this:

"Okay, here's the news. Well, you don't really want to hear it. It's so awful, I just don't know how I can go on reading this stuff. Maybe you should turn off the TV and just curl up in a ball on your bed and cry? That would probably do you more good than it would to watch the next story about a man who survived cancer, only to be struck down and killed when a drunk woman ran him over with her lawn mower."

Then the promos for the News could feature people sitting in chairs, looking at the floor, or out the window at a grey, cloudless day. You'd see them shrug their shoulders as the announcer said their name. They'd shift uneasily in their chair and maybe blow their nose.

Now, that's what I call a hard-hitting, fast paced news promo!