The Craft Show That Time Forgot

My dear friend, Mary Ellen and I decided to have a girlie-day trip to attend the Sugar Loaf Crafts Festival. Wow! This had to be fantastic because it has an exciting name and it's more than a craft show, by God it's a FESTIVAL!

I should have known something was up when I noticed the admission was $8 and I could easily find a coupon for $1 off as an enticement to get our communal asses to Hartford to attend this magnificent fest!

We arrived at the Expo Center on a gray, blustery day. The parking lot was filled with other eager craft-loving folks, okay mostly women who were leaving their men to watch football. I knew it wasn't going to be The Philadelphia Museum of Art Craft Show, but I did have hope to see a few standout crafts.

Um.

WRONG!

I felt as though I was sucked into a vortex and was taken back in time. Twenty five years ago, or more, to a craft show that would have been state-of-the-art at that time. We had entered the Craft Show that Time Forgot-featuring the ever-nauseating grayish blueish thick thrown (up) pottery mugs and bowls with the dark blue accent "decorations." Of course there were the ever-popular what-the-fuck-is-this sculpture out of metal crap, "gliceè" (computer print out) prints and laminated wood cutting boards and coasters. The only redeeming thing in the whole show was the lady that sold those darn dip packs that you add sour cream and mayo to to make garlic dip that you could have made yourself if you mixed mayo, sour cream and garlic powder together.

I also saw very nice and coma-inducing Whoopie Pies. I do not know what they have to do with a craft show, but was glad to see them.

Aisle after aisle, Mary Ellen and I sighed. We even tried to predict what we'd see around each corner. We were always right. It was sad. WE just wanted to see ONE thing that was NEW, interesting, well crafted, but no. It was all the same stuff we've seen at pretty much every craft show we've ever gone to.

Since we needed to purge the craft show out of our minds, we went to the next best place, Luv Boutique (e.g., adult bookshop).

What I love about Mary Ellen is she isn't shy. She walked right into the store and started to examine the packaging and I DO MEAN PACKAGING, not "packages" as in dude's man-bits. M.E. designs packaging so why not do some research. That woman is constantly working, even when she's not working!

We checked out the party plates for bachelorette parties
and stood in silent awe of humungous dildos. We tried to figure out if you'd have to have had 10 kids first, to fit one of those big honkin' dildos we saw, but we really couldn't bring ourselves to ask the nice ladies at the counter.

Then we saw a butt plug. It was 12 inches tall and was shaped like a tower of balls, the tip being the smallest and the base, the largest with differing sizes in between. I've never been a butt-plug kinda gal and this certainly did not tempt me in any way. We left the shop empty handed, but I think M.E. was planning on trying to get packaging work from a LUBE company.

We had a nice lunch, followed by a tiny bit of retail therapy at a "home decor that fell off a truck and is on sale" sort of place. As we strolled down the aisles, I noticed a Christmas display. There was something familiar among the faux wreaths and plastic Santas...it was the butt plug-in faux chrome!!! No. It wasn't the butt plug...or what was it? No, it was a TREE TOPPER, but you could have fooled me cause damn, that was the butt plug in chrome!!!!!

I shudder to think if they have the same manufacturer. I will never look at a Christmas tree the same way again.